Thursday, March 22, 2012

Treading Water

Today has been one of those days. More correctly this week has been one of those weeks. All you moms out there know what I'm taking about.

I try not to use my blog has a means to complain, but I need to vent.

A little back story. We started Evelyn on rice cereal about 10 days ago. At first we did every other day, but then moved to every night. It was wonderful. She loved eating it and it helped her sleep through the night. I was getting at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Which up until then I'd be lucky for a stretch of 5 on any given night. There was only one hitch to the rice cereal. It was making Evelyn a little constipated. Fast forward to yesterday and it had been 3 days since she last pooped. (I promise I won't stay on this topic long,) I tried giving her a little water, but since Evelyn is 5 months old and never had a bottle that made it extremely difficult. Our doctor said to try some apple juice, but I was wondering how I was going to get her to take it. So to wrap up the story, she pooped last night just after we went to the store to buy apple juice. Now were headed back to rice cereal every other day to try to let her body adjust.

Not only were we dealing with tummy issues she's been teething for the last couple of days.So she's been irritable and just plain not fun to be around. This also has been making her sleeping at night hit or miss.

Last night she only got up once, but after 2 nights of barely getting 3 hours straight of sleep I just couldn't handle it.

I've been feeling like I've been treading water just trying to keep my head up for quite sometime now. I had taken care of infants before. I had been a full-time (then part-time) nanny for almost 5 years. I had taken care of extremely fussy infants with chronic ear infections. Nothing though could have prepared me for motherhood.

Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe it's the sleep deprivation. Maybe I wasn't being realistic about my exceptions in the beginning. Whatever it is I just feel like I'm drowning. It seems like any tiny step forward we take, where things get just a little bit better, we take one massive slide backwards.

I'm sure I'm being overly dramatic, but I'm at the end of my rope.

All of this is taking a toll on my marriage. So not only am I not wanting to do this mothering thing anymore, I'm struggling with being a wife too.

For having this be the life I always thought I wanted for myself, I'm finding it really hard to want it from day to day.

I know that deep down I still want this. I still want to be the stay-at-home mom and wife I always dreamed of being. I'm just feeling like Satan is trying to drive me into the ground and get me to give-up. I don't want him to have this power over me, but choosing joy seems so hard right now.

I guess I'll just repeat Jeremiah 29:11 to myself over and over again. Then I'm going to get up and get dressed and pull myself together. I'm going to take some tylenol for the headache I have from all the crying. I'm going to put on make-up to try to mask my puffy eyes. Then I'm going to repeat Isaiah 41:10 to myself. And then I'm just going to try to smile.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

"Do not fear, for I am with you; 
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand" 
-Isaiah 41:10 (NASB)

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