Monday, July 11, 2011

Struggling to Trust God

So our lives have been a whirlwind so far this year. We found out we were pregnant in February after trying for only a month. Shorty thereafter Nick & I started praying for a sign of whether or not Nick should stay at his currant job. We both saw it as a dead end job that he was starting to not enjoy only a year and a half after starting working there.

In April Nick was told after putting in overtime since the beginning of the year, never missing a deadline, that he didn't seem willing to put in what was necessarily to meet deadlines. All because he needed to leave one day, without putting in any overtime, because he had plans with me. He was told this, on a Friday, that he had the weekend to figure out if he was gonna resign or give them a reason why they shouldn't fire him. We both prayed and discussed it the whole weekend. We eventually came to the conclusion that this was God saying, "It's time to leave, I have something better for you, you need to trust Me." We both felt completely at peace about the decision for Nick to quit.

Fast forward and many, many job applications filled out, meeting with recruiters and just a couple of phone interviews Nick still doesn't have permanent work. God was gracious and looking out for us though and Nick is working temporarily on base till the end of September. We have yet to have a month were we've struggled financially at all and that truly has been because of God's provision.

Nick has the amazing ability to just trust God, wholly and without question. I live my life waiting for the floor to drop out from under me. I know that God is good and He takes care of His people, but I also know that life on this earth is not easy and we shouldn't expect it to be. I just struggle with when God does something amazing for me, like answering my prayers for a baby, feeling it's just inevitable that something bad will also happen.

I've always struggled with being a pessimist. I miss out a lot on the great things that God has done, because I keep waiting for life to just get hard. Being married to Nick has really caused me to trying to work on that. He's such an optimist that I feel very spiritually inferior to him sometimes. I feel also that my pessimism brings him down.

This all has been a constant struggle for me while waiting for God's timing and God's guiding Nick to a new job. It's not all working like I initially thought it was going to. I thought that God wanted Nick to leave his old job because within weeks He'd have him set up in a new job. God's forcing us to trust Him. I'm willing to, but it doesn't mean I'm any less scared.

This verse has always been my hope when I'm having trouble trusting God.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Completely Exhausted

This holiday weekend was not the least bit restful. Though it was a wonderful weekend and I had lots of fun I could have used some down time. Hopefully next weekend is quiet.

On Friday night Nick and I went with my parents and my niece Drew to her VBS wrap-up event. Drew had tons of fun. She sang her VBS songs and showed us the actions.

Saturday night they were doing the large fireworks display at a local lake. We weren't planning on going, but changed our minds when my mom invited us to join them and her good friend Lorie. It ended up being a very fun night.

Sunday was a busy day of going to church and getting things done around the house. Then around 4 we headed to a friend's 3rd of July Party. It was a fun evening. Lots of bugs, but fun.

Then finally last night we went to my Aunt & Uncle's for their annual 4th of July party. It was fun as it always is. Good food, good fireworks, good drinks, but I can't partake. A good weekend, but like I say far from restful.

On top of the craziness of this weekend being packed with activities I've also been internally dealing with a spiritual issue with a dear friend of mine. This has been culminating for over a year now and has been addressed 2 times before to no avail. My other dear friend and I are going to address the matter again, this time hoping the seriousness of the issue is felt. Sometimes I don't understand the workings of God & sometimes it's really hard to allow Him to use me as He sees fit. Especially when I am facing losing a close friendship. Though I'm confident in what God wants me to do, it doesn't really make it any easier.

I also am struggling with this whole being patient and waiting till October to see my baby. I'm tired of being pregnant already. It's not as though it's been hard, because honestly I've had a really easy pregnancy. It's more to do with the fact I just want to hold my baby in my arms. I still also struggle with the irrational fears of the baby just dying, especially when I don't feel her move for a couple of hours. I'm such a pessimist.

I've just been feeling an overwhelming weight on top of me. I think that's why I feel so completely exhausted right now. I'm stressed and overwhelmed and that's leading to being a bit depressed. It's always been a struggle for me when I get this way to find a way out of it. My plan is to lean on God completely and allow Him to take the reigns. I've gotten too confident in my own ability to handle things lately and I think that's why I feel so out of control. But I'm at the point where I concede yet again to God that I can't do anything without Him!

Friday, July 1, 2011

I'm Melting!

Lately it's been obnoxiously hot here in Lincoln. Yesterday it got above 100 degrees! Today it's only 8:25am and it's already 81 degrees with the forecast predicting 96 as our high. Not fun for me currently being in my 6 month being pregnant. It just means I have spent almost all of this week in the house in the cool air condition. Thank the Lord for working air condition!

Since last blogging, which I honestly can't believe it's been so long, a lot has happened on the baby front. I started feeling our little one moving at about 16 weeks. Just little flutters and soft thumping. Now though it's ridiculous sometimes how much the baby is moving around. My stomach jumps and moves as the baby wiggles and kicks in there.

Also we found out just a couple of weeks ago if we are having a girl or a boy. (It was really hard not to use gender specific pronouns in that last paragraph!) I went to the ultrasound pretty positive we were having a boy. I didn't know why, but I just had a feeling. But I was wrong! We're having a beautiful little girl. I'm so excited. I've always wanted a baby girl to dress up in cute little clothes and bows or flowers in her hair.

She's already a cutie!

The doctors say our little girl is healthy and doing good. She has Nick's long legs already. So I'm already readying myself for the day when she'll tower over me.

Besides all of that everything has been pretty quiet around our house. Nick's working out on base full-time for the next few months, which leaves him coming home pretty drained every night. It will be nice to have a long weekend together even if it is filled with lots of different obligations.

Praying you have a fun and safe 4th of July!