Changes

I have been MIA from the blogging world as of late. I have a good reason though!

See I had a very good reason!

Evelyn Darcy was born October 11th at 10:19am. After going to the Doctor on the 10th and then having contractions all day I still wasn't expecting to meet my daughter the next morning. I woke up in at 1:15am on the 11th having to go pee, which was typical. I went back to bed and before I fell asleep I felt weird. I got up and rushed back to the bathroom. Then it happened, my water broke. It was totally unexpected and a little terrifying. I thought I was ready for having her, but I really wasn't. So we rushed to the hospital and I was admitted and settled in my labor & delivery room by 2:30am.

On the way to the hospital my contractions really started. I had no idea the pain I was in for. I had wanted to do everything naturally without any drugs. I did, but I wished I would have had an epidural. The experience was pretty traumatic with the amount of pain I was in. I wish I could have enjoyed her birth a little more. I guess I know for next time.

We stayed in the hospital for 2 days and then headed home. It's very surreal taking your baby home. It's almost like you can't believe you're allowed to keep her. They just let you leave the hospital with this perfect little baby. That drive home really changed everything.

Hopefully either later this week or sometime next week I can write more about adjusting to having Evelyn home & the responsibilities of mommyhood. We'll see though, my time to just get things done is pretty sporadic!

The Waiting Game

So I'm 38 weeks pregnant today. So basically that means I have no more than 2 weeks (give or take) till I get to see my daughter face to face. So right now I'm stuck in limbo waiting.

I keep jumping between wanting her to just get here tonight and hoping she never comes out so that I don't actually have to go through labor. One moment I just wish labor would start or my water would break. Then the next moment I'm anxious and happy I don't have to give birth quite yet.

Now don't get me wrong I've thought of the fact that birth will hurt many times through out the whole pregnancy. I even thought about it (at least briefly) before we ever even started trying to get pregnant. That doesn't mean that I'm not starting to get a little worried the closer it all gets.

I just have nothing to compare the pain of childbirth to. I've never broken a bone. I've had stitches a few times, but I honestly don't remember any of that being all that painful. The closest I even come to feeling that amount of pain is the 2 cervical biopsies I have had in the last couple years. But I have a feeling those don't at all compare.

I'm hoping to do it all without any pain meds. Hoping! That makes it all a little more daunting, but overall I feel that is the best option for me and the baby. I'm hoping I still feel like that when I'm the throws of a painful contraction.

So I sit here waiting. Counting down the days, the hours, the minutes until the pain begins. Which means I spend a lot of my time praying for God to have labor start soon and also to help me cope with the pain when it does arrive.

I've never been a very patient person, so that just magnifies everything. It makes the waiting game seem even more unbearable.

I'm just taking every day one hour, one minute or (sometimes) one second at a time.

This also makes it hard to wait. Look how darn cute she looks. I can't wait to meet her!

Ready for a Change

For once in my life I'm actually ready (as much as I can be) for the change that awaits me in the next few weeks.

In 6 weeks (or less) I will have a baby turn my world upside down. Her long anticipated arrival will come with both change and, I'm hoping after life settles a bit, a sense of normalcy.

Ever since finding out I was pregnant it seems as though my life has been all over the place. Things keep creeping up that I'm not sure how to handle or how to cope with all of time. I'm not in a very good routine at the moment. Meaning that my daily/weekly routine seems to be ever changing. Which as the planner that I am, I can't stand. I know that this is God's way of teaching me to let it go when things don't go as I planned, it's still a daily struggle for me.

While I am slightly worried by the fact that I'm getting overwhelmed by my daily life and the baby is still safe inside of me, I can't help but feel that peace is one the horizon. I'm striving my hardest to lay my worries, anxieties and all of the things I'm clinging tightly to that I know I can't handle at the foot of the cross. This is my daily battle of letting go. And if you know anything about me it's that I'm Terrible (With a capital "T") at letting things go.

Everyday, especially right now, is a reminder that without God and His support I can not accomplish anything!

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On a separate note. Fall is here! At least my fall decor is out and the weather has cooled down for the time being. I thought it would be nice to celebrate the coming of fall with a change to my background. I love the colors and design. It (like my previous one) is from The Cutest Blog on the Block . They have few cute fall designs and many other cute designs to choose from. So far they are one of the best free blog template designers I've found.

So here's to Fall!

Fulfillment

I worry a lot about what other people think of me. I have for the majority of my life. It has held me back at times, but also kept me from making a fool of myself at other times. Sometimes it's meant that I keep from doing something I love for fear of being judged. Other times it's kept me from being completely fulfilled in my life.

Not anymore!

Two weeks ago on August 10th was my last day of work. I am officially a homemaker and soon to be stay-at-home mom. When telling my in-laws for instance that I no longer was working my stomach jumped and felt a twinge of worry of how they'll view me. They always knew I was going to stay home once the baby was born, but I don't think they thought I'd be through with work so soon.

My mother-in-law had my husband and 6-8 weeks later was back at work and probably wishing she could have gone back sooner. While I don't necessarily agree with that mentality; I have the feeling that a mother's place is at home raising her children. I try no to judge those who don't think that way and I hope not to be judged back for my views.

I can already tell though that I am going to be the most fulfilled I've ever been staying at home taking care of my husband, child and household. I'm excited to be starting this new stage of my life. One where I feel like I'll be better focused on the things I should be and being better at keeping everything in the correct balance.

God had blessed me with specific gifts and talents and they are best suited to a homemaker. I draw joy from these things. It's just wonderful to actually be able to live out what I feel God has always made me for.

Still in the back of my mind I worry about being judged by the outside world. I'm trying to put aside that fear of unexpectedness and draw strength from the truth that this is exactly where God wants me. This is my calling from Him. Now I just can't wait till I have my baby girl home with me!

Struggling to Trust God

So our lives have been a whirlwind so far this year. We found out we were pregnant in February after trying for only a month. Shorty thereafter Nick & I started praying for a sign of whether or not Nick should stay at his currant job. We both saw it as a dead end job that he was starting to not enjoy only a year and a half after starting working there.

In April Nick was told after putting in overtime since the beginning of the year, never missing a deadline, that he didn't seem willing to put in what was necessarily to meet deadlines. All because he needed to leave one day, without putting in any overtime, because he had plans with me. He was told this, on a Friday, that he had the weekend to figure out if he was gonna resign or give them a reason why they shouldn't fire him. We both prayed and discussed it the whole weekend. We eventually came to the conclusion that this was God saying, "It's time to leave, I have something better for you, you need to trust Me." We both felt completely at peace about the decision for Nick to quit.

Fast forward and many, many job applications filled out, meeting with recruiters and just a couple of phone interviews Nick still doesn't have permanent work. God was gracious and looking out for us though and Nick is working temporarily on base till the end of September. We have yet to have a month were we've struggled financially at all and that truly has been because of God's provision.

Nick has the amazing ability to just trust God, wholly and without question. I live my life waiting for the floor to drop out from under me. I know that God is good and He takes care of His people, but I also know that life on this earth is not easy and we shouldn't expect it to be. I just struggle with when God does something amazing for me, like answering my prayers for a baby, feeling it's just inevitable that something bad will also happen.

I've always struggled with being a pessimist. I miss out a lot on the great things that God has done, because I keep waiting for life to just get hard. Being married to Nick has really caused me to trying to work on that. He's such an optimist that I feel very spiritually inferior to him sometimes. I feel also that my pessimism brings him down.

This all has been a constant struggle for me while waiting for God's timing and God's guiding Nick to a new job. It's not all working like I initially thought it was going to. I thought that God wanted Nick to leave his old job because within weeks He'd have him set up in a new job. God's forcing us to trust Him. I'm willing to, but it doesn't mean I'm any less scared.

This verse has always been my hope when I'm having trouble trusting God.

Completely Exhausted

This holiday weekend was not the least bit restful. Though it was a wonderful weekend and I had lots of fun I could have used some down time. Hopefully next weekend is quiet.

On Friday night Nick and I went with my parents and my niece Drew to her VBS wrap-up event. Drew had tons of fun. She sang her VBS songs and showed us the actions.

Saturday night they were doing the large fireworks display at a local lake. We weren't planning on going, but changed our minds when my mom invited us to join them and her good friend Lorie. It ended up being a very fun night.

Sunday was a busy day of going to church and getting things done around the house. Then around 4 we headed to a friend's 3rd of July Party. It was a fun evening. Lots of bugs, but fun.

Then finally last night we went to my Aunt & Uncle's for their annual 4th of July party. It was fun as it always is. Good food, good fireworks, good drinks, but I can't partake. A good weekend, but like I say far from restful.

On top of the craziness of this weekend being packed with activities I've also been internally dealing with a spiritual issue with a dear friend of mine. This has been culminating for over a year now and has been addressed 2 times before to no avail. My other dear friend and I are going to address the matter again, this time hoping the seriousness of the issue is felt. Sometimes I don't understand the workings of God & sometimes it's really hard to allow Him to use me as He sees fit. Especially when I am facing losing a close friendship. Though I'm confident in what God wants me to do, it doesn't really make it any easier.

I also am struggling with this whole being patient and waiting till October to see my baby. I'm tired of being pregnant already. It's not as though it's been hard, because honestly I've had a really easy pregnancy. It's more to do with the fact I just want to hold my baby in my arms. I still also struggle with the irrational fears of the baby just dying, especially when I don't feel her move for a couple of hours. I'm such a pessimist.

I've just been feeling an overwhelming weight on top of me. I think that's why I feel so completely exhausted right now. I'm stressed and overwhelmed and that's leading to being a bit depressed. It's always been a struggle for me when I get this way to find a way out of it. My plan is to lean on God completely and allow Him to take the reigns. I've gotten too confident in my own ability to handle things lately and I think that's why I feel so out of control. But I'm at the point where I concede yet again to God that I can't do anything without Him!