Monday, July 11, 2011

Struggling to Trust God

So our lives have been a whirlwind so far this year. We found out we were pregnant in February after trying for only a month. Shorty thereafter Nick & I started praying for a sign of whether or not Nick should stay at his currant job. We both saw it as a dead end job that he was starting to not enjoy only a year and a half after starting working there.

In April Nick was told after putting in overtime since the beginning of the year, never missing a deadline, that he didn't seem willing to put in what was necessarily to meet deadlines. All because he needed to leave one day, without putting in any overtime, because he had plans with me. He was told this, on a Friday, that he had the weekend to figure out if he was gonna resign or give them a reason why they shouldn't fire him. We both prayed and discussed it the whole weekend. We eventually came to the conclusion that this was God saying, "It's time to leave, I have something better for you, you need to trust Me." We both felt completely at peace about the decision for Nick to quit.

Fast forward and many, many job applications filled out, meeting with recruiters and just a couple of phone interviews Nick still doesn't have permanent work. God was gracious and looking out for us though and Nick is working temporarily on base till the end of September. We have yet to have a month were we've struggled financially at all and that truly has been because of God's provision.

Nick has the amazing ability to just trust God, wholly and without question. I live my life waiting for the floor to drop out from under me. I know that God is good and He takes care of His people, but I also know that life on this earth is not easy and we shouldn't expect it to be. I just struggle with when God does something amazing for me, like answering my prayers for a baby, feeling it's just inevitable that something bad will also happen.

I've always struggled with being a pessimist. I miss out a lot on the great things that God has done, because I keep waiting for life to just get hard. Being married to Nick has really caused me to trying to work on that. He's such an optimist that I feel very spiritually inferior to him sometimes. I feel also that my pessimism brings him down.

This all has been a constant struggle for me while waiting for God's timing and God's guiding Nick to a new job. It's not all working like I initially thought it was going to. I thought that God wanted Nick to leave his old job because within weeks He'd have him set up in a new job. God's forcing us to trust Him. I'm willing to, but it doesn't mean I'm any less scared.

This verse has always been my hope when I'm having trouble trusting God.

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