End (Not Really) of a Very Long Week

This past week has been hectic. Thursday night of last week we started to tape, sand and prepare our bed room to be painted. Paint was a spur of the moment idea Labor Day weekend. I saw an ad for True Value that had gallons of paint buy one get one free. So we decided to go that route. We finally finished the finishing touches yesterday. So we can move back into our room this weekend. Oh did I forget to mention our bed has been in our living room for the past week! That made for not getting much sleep. We honestly only used about 1/2 of the paint we bought. One gallon of the blue and 2/3 of a gallon of cream. This means we have enough to paint the other bedroom. We're going to do it opposite though; cream walls and blue trim. I'll post pictures when we have both the rooms finished.

On top of the craziness of paint and being displaced from our bedroom work picked up again for me. The fall sessions of gymnastics started Monday night. It's going really well and I'm glad. Hopefully things continue to run smoothly. So far there isn't any classes that just make me want to rip my hair out, but it's only the first week and I have yet to meet my Saturday classes.

The reason this crazy week doesn't end yet is because it's Drill Weekend. Ugh! I can't stand drill weekends. Once the weekend comes I'm just ready to spend some quality time with my hubby, but drill weekend robs me of that. This weekend is not only drill weekend but jammed full of evening things we need to do, at least on Saturday. Saturday night a friend of Nick's from high school is getting married and we're going to celebrate with them. It should be fun, but we'll have to be the old married people that don't want to stay out too late because we both have to get up in the morning; Nick for more drill and me to go to church.

On a bight side this weekend is my best friends birthday! I'm probably not going to be able to make it to her party Saturday night, but we are having a girls lunch on Sunday after church. I'm pretty excited. It's fun to spend time with my friends on their birthdays.

I'm just praying we can make it through this super long week and make it to next weekend which is our short break before Nick has yet another drill weekend.

Today Is A Hard Day

I try not to complain. I really try to be as positive as possible at all times. This comes from the very dark periods of depression I've been through. My life has been short in the scheme of things, but I've had some really dark and long periods of debilitating depression. I have been blessed by God in that I haven't been that depressed in well over a year. I think it's about a year and half now.

I've also been blessed that about 6 months ago I realized what I long to do with my life. I want to devout my life to being a stay-at-home mother & wife. I also long to home school my children just as I was. I always kinda knew this is what I was made to do, but I listened to too many outside voices & not enough to God's. Too many people said that I needed a career and that I wouldn't be happy just as a mom. I know now though that I'm going to feel completely and utterly fulfilled the day I become a mom. I feel fulfilled now, but I can tell that I'm not doing exactly what God has created me to do.

That's why today is hard. Today I'm just down about the fact that I long to be a mom. Nick isn't ready to be a dad and I understand that. When we got married we talked about how it would be years until we had kids. God has changed my heart and I'm trying to wait patiently as he speaks to Nick's. But it's hard. I find myself sometimes being very resentful of the fact that Nick isn't ready. He says we can start trying at the beginning of the year. That way there is no possible way he could still be in the National Guard when we would finally have a baby. To me I just want to take the step of trusting God that it will happen when it's His Will. Which to me means that I go off birth control and just trust Him. Trust Him that He will work everything out. I know that a silly little pill can not thwart God's Plan, but it just feels like we are still trying to control it ourselves, which seems wrong.

I just needed to vent. Get my feelings out. Honestly I feel a little better. Today will still continue to be hard though.

Update on Sisters Post!

Well Praise the Lord! When I had to go with my sister's out to dinner it was actually a really fun time. For the first time ever I was treated more as a peer then a little sister.

I also got a chance to talk with my sister Jenn and realize how terribly wrong I was being in judging her family situation without actually knowing it. I felt terrible for how I've been thinking of her for the last year. Thankfully it looks as though God is working out the situation for His glory and now I can fully see that.

I'm just happy that I seem to be at a point where I can get along with my sisters and enjoy my time with them. Hopefully it will just continue to get better.

Bah! Writer's Block!

So over 4 years ago I started writing a novel. The first rendition didn't make it very far. I then changed my format to more of a journal entry and I almost finished it. I was literally like 20 pages from it being done and then lost momentum and motivation.

Then about 8 months ago I started working on it again and decided to change the format yet again. I worked on it for a couple of weeks and then let it go. I would now really like to work on it. Honestly work on it. But I have absolutely no inspiration or drive to do so.

This is so frustrating!

Sisters?

Yesterday my oldest sister came in from Michigan. I've been roped into going to lunch with her and my mom today around noon.

Tammy, Jenn, Me & Tasha

A few years ago I would have been excited to get to hang-out with my sister. Because back then she was the only one of them that treated me like an adult and that I remotely got along with. Now that's changed drastically. Honestly I wouldn't be feeling like I'm missing something if I didn't even get to see her while she's here.

I've always been the baby and as such have been treated so. Even now that I'm older and married they still treat me like their baby sister and don't really talk to me. I've become extremely reserved around them, because I just feel like my thoughts on anything are not really listened to or wanted. I don't remember the last time one of my sister's asked how I was doing and what I've been up to. I've also never been able to please them. I'm never doing enough with my life to make them happy and they feel my aspirations in life (ultimately being a stay at home mom and homeschooling my kids) isn't good enough. They think I need to go to college and be a career woman who puts it on hold for a bit to have kids but then just heads right back. I don't even have kids yet and I feel the most fulfilled I ever have in my entire life.

I really want to be like those sisters who all get along (at least most the time) and feel like their sisters are like friends. But I'm just realizing more and more that won't ever be my family.

Thankfully, the Lord has blessed me with the most amazing spiritual sister's I could ever ask for. My 3 best friends are the best sisters I could ever have. I'm so blessed to have them in my life and still have them in my life after all these years. (With Caitlin it's been almost 16 years!) So I might never be "friends" with my sisters, but my friends are great "sisters"!

Kelsey, Caitlin, Me & Briana

Setting Goals

I have a chance with the next few weeks to get back into the habit of working out. I have a break from my typical work schedule because Gymnastics is on it's break before Fall Sessions start. Therefore I have more time on my hands. So I should use that time wisely and start working out more.

My only problem is that I just can't stand to work out. There is nothing about working out that I enjoy. I hate getting sweaty and stinky. I also really don't like how worn out I feel afterwards. I know I need to do it more though.

I've gained 20 pounds since going on birth control and getting married. I know that most of that excess weight was put on because I went on birth control and my metabolism took a hit from that. I also know that some of it went on because I began to slack in the working out and activity department and began eating like my husband. I got the eating in check I'm more aware of my portions and I stop eating when I'm full. But the work out thing never has really been picked back up.

So hopefully I can get my butt in gear and just start pushing myself. I think I'll start right now!