Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Today Is A Hard Day

I try not to complain. I really try to be as positive as possible at all times. This comes from the very dark periods of depression I've been through. My life has been short in the scheme of things, but I've had some really dark and long periods of debilitating depression. I have been blessed by God in that I haven't been that depressed in well over a year. I think it's about a year and half now.

I've also been blessed that about 6 months ago I realized what I long to do with my life. I want to devout my life to being a stay-at-home mother & wife. I also long to home school my children just as I was. I always kinda knew this is what I was made to do, but I listened to too many outside voices & not enough to God's. Too many people said that I needed a career and that I wouldn't be happy just as a mom. I know now though that I'm going to feel completely and utterly fulfilled the day I become a mom. I feel fulfilled now, but I can tell that I'm not doing exactly what God has created me to do.

That's why today is hard. Today I'm just down about the fact that I long to be a mom. Nick isn't ready to be a dad and I understand that. When we got married we talked about how it would be years until we had kids. God has changed my heart and I'm trying to wait patiently as he speaks to Nick's. But it's hard. I find myself sometimes being very resentful of the fact that Nick isn't ready. He says we can start trying at the beginning of the year. That way there is no possible way he could still be in the National Guard when we would finally have a baby. To me I just want to take the step of trusting God that it will happen when it's His Will. Which to me means that I go off birth control and just trust Him. Trust Him that He will work everything out. I know that a silly little pill can not thwart God's Plan, but it just feels like we are still trying to control it ourselves, which seems wrong.

I just needed to vent. Get my feelings out. Honestly I feel a little better. Today will still continue to be hard though.

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