Sunday, December 4, 2011

Changes: Part 2

So it's been 5 days shy of a month since I wrote about giving birth to Evelyn. I laugh at the last paragraph that says maybe I'll write again that week. Unfortunately getting time to sit and collect my thoughts enough to compose a blog post with all the other responsibilities I have is pretty lacking. This morning though I woke up before the baby and I'm letting her have another 20 minutes of sleep before I awake her to eat and start the day. So needless to say this will be brief.

My beautiful baby will be 8 weeks old in just 2 days! Time really has flown by. But for some reason in the moment it all just seems to drag and feel impossible. As though it will never end. Especially when there is a cranky baby involved.

I love my daughter with all that is left of my heart after you minus the love I have for My Savior, Jesus, and my husband. I love her, but sometimes I want to give up. This has been my struggle lately.

I know part of it is hormones and I know part of it is sleep deprivation. Another part is the enormous stress of waiting on God to lead Nick to a job. I think most of it though is that I wasn't better preparing myself through prayer and leaning on God before this monumental change happened in my life.

I thought I knew how to trust God. I thought I knew how to trust Him even in hard times. Boy was I wrong. Lately it seems like when things don't go exactly how I've been praying they go I jump to accusing God of not caring and maybe not even existing anymore. Even as those thoughts come to my mind or roll off my tongue I realize I'm completely wrong, but still part of me wants to believe it. Part of me is holding on to the notion that if indeed God doesn't care or doesn't exist then it means everything will be easier to handle, I won't have the extra pain of feeling let down on top of everything else.

Even as I write this out I realize how absurd I sound and how flawed my logic has been the last few weeks. It's almost laughable. I keep eventually (after Evelyn finally falls asleep or I finally decide to forgive Nick after a fight) coming back to God grovelling and asking forgiveness for even letting those doubts cloud my view of Him. He's forgiving and refreshes my spirit. I wish I allowed that to work longer than I do, but I'm trying.

Evelyn is starting to wake up and fuss. Guess she has different ideas than me. At least I got 15 minutes more, I can let the other 5 go.

I'm hoping to be able to get on later this week and finish writing about my struggles and some of my joys! You saw how well I did of that the last time though. So I wouldn't hold your breath. I'm just shooting for getting back sooner then last time. One month is a big window!

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