Changes: Part 3

Hey look I've made it back. Obviously not the same week, but only 10 days from the last time I posted. I'd say that's pretty good.

I said I wanted to write some more of the changes and struggles I'm dealing with. Honestly after the last time I wrote things started to get better. Evelyn was sleeping longer stretches and going down at night just fine. Well last week about this time things took a drastic turn for the worst. Slowly they are getting better. Only as long as Evelyn is sleeping in bed with us (yes I know you shouldn't do that, but I'm desperate) or sleeping in her swing. Sigh...I don't know how we will ever get her to sleep in her room.

Yesterday though I made a decision. I could either sit and wallow and cry about how much harder this parenting thing is than I thought it would be. Or I could pick myself up and be happy for even just the 15 minutes of napping I could get out of Evelyn. (I forgot to mention she wasn't napping either.) Surprisingly I got a 2.5 hour nap out of her yesterday afternoon. After 3 days of no napping besides 30 minute bursts it was glorious. I just kept telling myself, "Even if I just get 10 more minutes, I'm going to be grateful instead of mad that she didn't sleep long enough." While I'm not expecting that to happen everyday, it was a nice break and I repeatedly thanked God for it.

I'm also trying to make sure I spend time praying when I get those few spare moments to myself. Even if I have loads of other things that I could be getting done I've just realized that I've really been neglecting my relationship with God lately & it's having a negative effect on my outlook on things. So I'm hoping that will keep my spirit encouraged so that I can weather this season of my little ones life.

Now for something I'm very Thankful/Joyful about. Right now my husband is on his way to a job interview. He's had a few of them the last couple of weeks & we're just holding out and trusting that God will give him a job by the end of the month.

Right now the baby is waking up so I'd better be done. Maybe I'll write again next week. We'll see!

Changes: Part 2

So it's been 5 days shy of a month since I wrote about giving birth to Evelyn. I laugh at the last paragraph that says maybe I'll write again that week. Unfortunately getting time to sit and collect my thoughts enough to compose a blog post with all the other responsibilities I have is pretty lacking. This morning though I woke up before the baby and I'm letting her have another 20 minutes of sleep before I awake her to eat and start the day. So needless to say this will be brief.

My beautiful baby will be 8 weeks old in just 2 days! Time really has flown by. But for some reason in the moment it all just seems to drag and feel impossible. As though it will never end. Especially when there is a cranky baby involved.

I love my daughter with all that is left of my heart after you minus the love I have for My Savior, Jesus, and my husband. I love her, but sometimes I want to give up. This has been my struggle lately.

I know part of it is hormones and I know part of it is sleep deprivation. Another part is the enormous stress of waiting on God to lead Nick to a job. I think most of it though is that I wasn't better preparing myself through prayer and leaning on God before this monumental change happened in my life.

I thought I knew how to trust God. I thought I knew how to trust Him even in hard times. Boy was I wrong. Lately it seems like when things don't go exactly how I've been praying they go I jump to accusing God of not caring and maybe not even existing anymore. Even as those thoughts come to my mind or roll off my tongue I realize I'm completely wrong, but still part of me wants to believe it. Part of me is holding on to the notion that if indeed God doesn't care or doesn't exist then it means everything will be easier to handle, I won't have the extra pain of feeling let down on top of everything else.

Even as I write this out I realize how absurd I sound and how flawed my logic has been the last few weeks. It's almost laughable. I keep eventually (after Evelyn finally falls asleep or I finally decide to forgive Nick after a fight) coming back to God grovelling and asking forgiveness for even letting those doubts cloud my view of Him. He's forgiving and refreshes my spirit. I wish I allowed that to work longer than I do, but I'm trying.

Evelyn is starting to wake up and fuss. Guess she has different ideas than me. At least I got 15 minutes more, I can let the other 5 go.

I'm hoping to be able to get on later this week and finish writing about my struggles and some of my joys! You saw how well I did of that the last time though. So I wouldn't hold your breath. I'm just shooting for getting back sooner then last time. One month is a big window!

Changes

I have been MIA from the blogging world as of late. I have a good reason though!

See I had a very good reason!

Evelyn Darcy was born October 11th at 10:19am. After going to the Doctor on the 10th and then having contractions all day I still wasn't expecting to meet my daughter the next morning. I woke up in at 1:15am on the 11th having to go pee, which was typical. I went back to bed and before I fell asleep I felt weird. I got up and rushed back to the bathroom. Then it happened, my water broke. It was totally unexpected and a little terrifying. I thought I was ready for having her, but I really wasn't. So we rushed to the hospital and I was admitted and settled in my labor & delivery room by 2:30am.

On the way to the hospital my contractions really started. I had no idea the pain I was in for. I had wanted to do everything naturally without any drugs. I did, but I wished I would have had an epidural. The experience was pretty traumatic with the amount of pain I was in. I wish I could have enjoyed her birth a little more. I guess I know for next time.

We stayed in the hospital for 2 days and then headed home. It's very surreal taking your baby home. It's almost like you can't believe you're allowed to keep her. They just let you leave the hospital with this perfect little baby. That drive home really changed everything.

Hopefully either later this week or sometime next week I can write more about adjusting to having Evelyn home & the responsibilities of mommyhood. We'll see though, my time to just get things done is pretty sporadic!

The Waiting Game

So I'm 38 weeks pregnant today. So basically that means I have no more than 2 weeks (give or take) till I get to see my daughter face to face. So right now I'm stuck in limbo waiting.

I keep jumping between wanting her to just get here tonight and hoping she never comes out so that I don't actually have to go through labor. One moment I just wish labor would start or my water would break. Then the next moment I'm anxious and happy I don't have to give birth quite yet.

Now don't get me wrong I've thought of the fact that birth will hurt many times through out the whole pregnancy. I even thought about it (at least briefly) before we ever even started trying to get pregnant. That doesn't mean that I'm not starting to get a little worried the closer it all gets.

I just have nothing to compare the pain of childbirth to. I've never broken a bone. I've had stitches a few times, but I honestly don't remember any of that being all that painful. The closest I even come to feeling that amount of pain is the 2 cervical biopsies I have had in the last couple years. But I have a feeling those don't at all compare.

I'm hoping to do it all without any pain meds. Hoping! That makes it all a little more daunting, but overall I feel that is the best option for me and the baby. I'm hoping I still feel like that when I'm the throws of a painful contraction.

So I sit here waiting. Counting down the days, the hours, the minutes until the pain begins. Which means I spend a lot of my time praying for God to have labor start soon and also to help me cope with the pain when it does arrive.

I've never been a very patient person, so that just magnifies everything. It makes the waiting game seem even more unbearable.

I'm just taking every day one hour, one minute or (sometimes) one second at a time.

This also makes it hard to wait. Look how darn cute she looks. I can't wait to meet her!

Ready for a Change

For once in my life I'm actually ready (as much as I can be) for the change that awaits me in the next few weeks.

In 6 weeks (or less) I will have a baby turn my world upside down. Her long anticipated arrival will come with both change and, I'm hoping after life settles a bit, a sense of normalcy.

Ever since finding out I was pregnant it seems as though my life has been all over the place. Things keep creeping up that I'm not sure how to handle or how to cope with all of time. I'm not in a very good routine at the moment. Meaning that my daily/weekly routine seems to be ever changing. Which as the planner that I am, I can't stand. I know that this is God's way of teaching me to let it go when things don't go as I planned, it's still a daily struggle for me.

While I am slightly worried by the fact that I'm getting overwhelmed by my daily life and the baby is still safe inside of me, I can't help but feel that peace is one the horizon. I'm striving my hardest to lay my worries, anxieties and all of the things I'm clinging tightly to that I know I can't handle at the foot of the cross. This is my daily battle of letting go. And if you know anything about me it's that I'm Terrible (With a capital "T") at letting things go.

Everyday, especially right now, is a reminder that without God and His support I can not accomplish anything!

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On a separate note. Fall is here! At least my fall decor is out and the weather has cooled down for the time being. I thought it would be nice to celebrate the coming of fall with a change to my background. I love the colors and design. It (like my previous one) is from The Cutest Blog on the Block . They have few cute fall designs and many other cute designs to choose from. So far they are one of the best free blog template designers I've found.

So here's to Fall!

Fulfillment

I worry a lot about what other people think of me. I have for the majority of my life. It has held me back at times, but also kept me from making a fool of myself at other times. Sometimes it's meant that I keep from doing something I love for fear of being judged. Other times it's kept me from being completely fulfilled in my life.

Not anymore!

Two weeks ago on August 10th was my last day of work. I am officially a homemaker and soon to be stay-at-home mom. When telling my in-laws for instance that I no longer was working my stomach jumped and felt a twinge of worry of how they'll view me. They always knew I was going to stay home once the baby was born, but I don't think they thought I'd be through with work so soon.

My mother-in-law had my husband and 6-8 weeks later was back at work and probably wishing she could have gone back sooner. While I don't necessarily agree with that mentality; I have the feeling that a mother's place is at home raising her children. I try no to judge those who don't think that way and I hope not to be judged back for my views.

I can already tell though that I am going to be the most fulfilled I've ever been staying at home taking care of my husband, child and household. I'm excited to be starting this new stage of my life. One where I feel like I'll be better focused on the things I should be and being better at keeping everything in the correct balance.

God had blessed me with specific gifts and talents and they are best suited to a homemaker. I draw joy from these things. It's just wonderful to actually be able to live out what I feel God has always made me for.

Still in the back of my mind I worry about being judged by the outside world. I'm trying to put aside that fear of unexpectedness and draw strength from the truth that this is exactly where God wants me. This is my calling from Him. Now I just can't wait till I have my baby girl home with me!